Back in the heady days of 2014, I had just moved to Texas. These were my takeaways back then:
The Texas Drawl – it’s cute. Really. But my gut reaction is to slap you every time you refer to me as “yall”. Am I so big I blot out your sight and look like a crowd? Have you been drinking, and see two or more of me? Are you talking to the angels and demons who hover about my shoulders, driving me to acts I normally wouldn’t consider. Say something to me with that soft accent again, and I’ll let the devil choose what I do next, I tell you what.
Road layout – Were you people drunk? Do you not have rulers? All these roads that just gradually blend into each other are surprisingly hard to negotiate safely. Fully half the time I’m turned around in my seat, trying to see if there’s a semi that’ll wipe me out when I merge into the lane.
Drivers – Okay, probably partially influenced by the roads, but you people are aware there are lines on the road, right? You are supposed to drive between them. Coloring, that’s ok, go crazy. Driving, stay between them.
Oh, and stop swooping across three lanes so you can get in front of me before the turnoff. There’s no place you need to get to that fast.
Strip Malls – What an exercise in futility. You know what’s wrong with them? You’ve got two acres of parking lot between you and the road. No one knows what you’re selling, because we’re all swooping across three lanes because we just realized you’re the store we want to go to. Put the stores up on the road where we can see them, and put the parking lots behind them.
Radio stations – I didn’t listen to Dire Straits or AC/DC this much in the 80’s. Do you all have a 25 song rotation?
Sides at BBQ Joints – I’m loving the BBQ. I really am. That stuff is awesome. But that dark brown mass of collared greens and mushy peas you just slapped down next to that really excellent mountain of pulled pork. You don’t really eat that, do you?